Every year on this very day, I am reminded of all the things I take for granted, of all the things I should be more grateful for, of all the ways in which my own ingratitude prevails. And every year, I make a promise to practice a conscious gratitude, to be more present, to live in the moment.
And yet I find myself having to set out to do this very thing every year because after a few months, I fall back into this vicious cycle of wanting more than I have, ingratitude, insatiability, complacence and even petulance.
While it remains to be seen whether I keep falling back into this cycle because I am naturally ungrateful person, the one certain thing I have learnt from this is that it is extremely difficult to change what we have been for so long, even when we know we ought to do so.
I was raised to always look for better, that even though where I was was good, there were always better places I could be; that even though I had much, I could have much much more. I was taught to be in constant search for better, that better was not where I was, but rather in another place, somewhere else, somewhere I should strive to get. I was sheltered, well watered and well fed. And yet, I was raised to think that there should be more. Perhaps that is why I am so insatiable, why I am always seemingly hungry for more, why even my successes are not celebrated for more than a fleeting moment before I think about what’s next, why I always revert back to wanting more.
This is not to knock the amazing woman who had me at 23 and raised on her own. She did such an impeccable job, and fully deserves her flowers for it. I am an adult now and I am responsible for whatever I pan out to be. It is my job to unlearn the habits I know aren’t good for me. This is more to say that it is incredibly difficult to change what I have been my whole life. It is difficult to unlearn the habits, attitudes and ways of life that I accepted as my own, that I have had all this while. It is difficult to become the person I wish to be.
And I think that is a sentiment we all share, especially at this age. Yet we hardly ever speak about how difficult it is to unlearn and learn anew, how difficult it is to be consistent, self-aware, educated, self-determined and all the things we say that we should be. We do not like to admit that it takes time to get to those places, to be this way. Instead, we make it look as though these were things that could be done at the snap of a finger.
But the truth is it’s difficult to change yourself for better. That’s a human feat. We tend to fall back on old ways because it’s way easier, because it’s almost a default setting. And it’s just a continuous cycle from then onwards. But I realized throughout this year that that’s normal and that’s okay. Sometimes the change just happens gradually, not for a lack of effort but because… that’s just how it is. It’s often a struggle.
And it’s genuinely okay to struggle. It’s okay to struggle to be grateful, to be consistent, to adopt good habits, to pray, to change and be better, to be the person you wish to be. It’s okay if it all comes but at a gradual pace. It’s okay that you tend to revert back to your default. It’s okay and human to struggle.
Perhaps the best thing about being human is that we are accorded a multitude of grace within which we are allowed to function. We are allowed to try again until we get it right. And even if it takes ages, I’m certain that one day, we will be exactly who we wish to be.
So my gift to myself this year is to accept and embrace the abundance of grace accorded to me and to further give it to myself. To accept that I will get it wrong again and again before I get it right. To be okay with my humanity despite how badly I’d like to change it. You should do the same. You are allowed to try over and over again until you are right where you ought to be. There’s so much grace for you.
I will set out this year to practice a conscious gratitude, to be more aware of the things I have, to never take things for granted. And if it so happens that I slip back into that cycle, I will come back to this very day next year and set out to do the same till I get it right.
So to reintroduce myself: Hi, my name is Chipo. I am bad at being consistently grateful. I tend to look forward to being more, rather than dwell in what I already am. I’ve been working on it for a couple of years now. And even though I am slightly better at it now, I am still working on it.
How about you?
Happy 29th October.