I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING

Hey you,

First and foremost, how you feel is completely valid. It’s completely okay that you feel that way, that you feel that you do not know where you are heading and you are confused, that you feel there’s parts of you that need working on. It’s completely fine to feel that way. My hope is that you realize how many others, including me, have been in that same spot. I do not say that to invalidate how you feel, nor to make you feel as though you ought to get in line since thousands have been where you are. But it’s to say that this is not a you thing, not a thing specific to you; it’s rather a human thing. It is to say that you aren’t alone, that if others have trod and conquered this path, there is much hope that you can too. Perhaps you could take some comfort in that for a start.

Secondly, it’s really okay that you are uncertain about whether or not this is the right path, about whether or not it will lead you where you so strongly wish to end up. The truth is it is impossible to be certain, to know for sure whether the paths we take are the right ones, to know if what we dream of being will meet us along the turns we take. In truth, no one is sure at all. No one around you and I knows for sure if they are heading the right way. It’s a life of uncertainty, and every decision we make has but a 50-50 shot of being the right one. And it’s completely fine to fear the worst.

But you cannot really do anything to be certain, you know? You can never be certain. Nothing is really certain. All you can do is give it your best shot, be the best version of yourself, and believe that if you put your mind to it, there’s a better chance of you reaping some reward than if you did not try at all. Showing up every day, even after it gets all shitty, giving it your very best is all we really have. Hope. We can only hope, perhaps believe even, that Heaven rewards those who show up, those who keep going, those who try.

My girlfriend always tells me how uncertainty of the future and its fear is born from trying to envision everything at the same time, trying to figure everything today. But you don’t have to have it all together right now. You don’t have to figure out what 10 years from now will/should look like for you. You are under no obligation to do so, nor will your planning and envisioning it ascertain the outcome. You are allowed to take a day at a time and work from there. If you at least know where you are heading today, if you can at least achieve the goals you have set for the day, then you are doing great. Sometimes making it through the day is a massive enough victory; sometimes that is more than enough. If you can show up every day, you will be places in no time. You don’t have to figure it all out right now. You don’t have to be certain now.

This is the decade of uncertainty, our 20s. Thus, you are allowed to bask in the uncertainty, to float in the unknown, to weave and learn your way through it slowly. You don’t have to build your entire house now, nor do you have to envision how you could possibly do so. You can learn how to lay down that one brick today, how to lay it best and then figure the rest out tomorrow. That’s completely fine. Your uncertainty is valid. But please remember that it is okay to be that way, to be uncertain. What is certainty anyway? Do we ever really attain it? Is there anything that we are really certain about save death and God’s existence? It is all very scary. But in truth, this life hardly hands us anything more to work with. So we work with what we've got. It’s okay to be uncertain. You are allowed to not know right now, to figure it out along the way, even with slow, messy steps. It's Progress over Perfection.

And most importantly, remember that whatever you pan out to be, whatever you choose to be, I will support you 100%, that I am here for you, rooting for and cheering you on, that regardless of what you do and do not become, I am extremely, extremely proud of you. You are doing great. Chin up. Now go get ‘em, champ.